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August 27th, 2008

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August 17th, 2008

12:03 am - love simply stated- it feels good to be in love. just about all of my entries in this have been depressing and angry. i haven't written in here in a really long time, so i guess an update is appropriate. and a positive update is definitely needed. Current Mood: loved

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February 12th, 2008

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May 29th, 2007

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January 11th, 2007

04:00 pm so in class today we were talking about how our lives will be worth much more if we give to others. and do things that wouldnt get done if we didnt do it. so i started to think that im somewhat of a waste of life. there isnt even one thing that i feel passionate about to do my damn civic engagement project on. maybe i could do it on removing regrets from your life. as if it wasnt bad enough that someone i hooked up with over 2 years ago decided to sign up for my public relations writing class. i then had to see, not once but twice, a random kid that i randomly had sex with one night. i always try to tell myself that he was a "trophy fuck" since i never in a million years would have thought i would have had sex with him. granted hes still gorgeous but i couldnt even look up as i walked past him. so all i could think about as i trekked to the bookstore was that it happened a year ago. who cares? and that he probably doesnt even remember my name or what i look like. even tho i saw him in bbv all the time. prior to that night. but i was over it. until i was standing in line in the bookstore and there he was standing at the door talking to his friend. i couldnt even look at him. but out of the corner of my eye i saw him looking right at me. i wish i could have seen his face. atleast to know if he recognized me or if it was one of those faces that they were thinking that they know you but cant figure out why. i dunno i guess im just in one of those moods where i keep thinking well what if i did this differently or what if i did that differently. like what if i left my number rather then just leaving. or what if i grew more balls and tried to talk to him right after rather then avoiding him at all costs? i dunno theres nothing u can do to change the past. i guess its just weird to me to have to avoid the embarrassment of bumping into someone. ive never had to worry about it before and its really bugging me right that i have to do it. whatever i cant do much about it esp since i doubt he even remembers any of it. i mean i was only in his life for like what 6 hours? 3 of which were spent in his bed. Current Location: my apt Current Mood: regretful Current Music: welcome to my black parade-my chemical romance

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December 28th, 2006

02:25 pm - no need to be excited. so my 20th birthday is tomorrow. i know that 20 isnt 21 but its still a big deal. its still my bday and im not going to be a teenager anymore. and i really had it set in my mind that this year was going to be better. since my last two birthdays sucked ass. but its not even here and i already know its going to suck. for starters theres like nobody in the fort. and then last night i celebrated with my family and what did i get? a fucking vacuum. who does that?? my mom would be soo pist if she got a vacuum for her bday. why would she think that i would be excited to get one for mine?? i understand that i need one bc we dont have one at my apt but thats not at all what i wanted to get for my bday. and what am i supposed to say? take it back? so she gets all pist at me for being ungrateful and a spoiled bitch? yeah thats not exactly the argument i feel like having right now. so tomorrow i think im going to be completely unreachable. and spend my bday by myself doing what i want to do. probably shopping and buying my self good bday presents. fuck everyone else i'll make my bday good. Current Location: my stupid parents house Current Mood: depressed Current Music: some video game

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August 14th, 2006

04:37 pm - odd what an odd day. first i drive downtown, which made me miss living near one of the biggest cities in the world. then i finally find the right building. and after waiting for like 20 minutes at the Lee County Traffic Clerk i find out that im late on turning in my traffic school thing so i get points on my license anyways. and my insurance is going to go up so my mom is going to murder me. but to make it worse i had to pay 45 bucks to prevent my license from being suspended. so for speeding 21 mph over the limit it cost me 183.50 + 7 for paying on the phone + 20 for the traffic school + 10 to get my completion certificate emailed to me + 45 to prevent my license from getting suspended = a grand total of $220.50. thats obsurd. besides all of the time i wasted what with the 4 hour class and then driving all the way downtown sitting there and driving back. so im no longer a safe driver bc i have 3 points on my license! so then to make myself feel better i go to the mall to go shopping and use my ae card bc we all know im broke. as im leaving this hot kid at the t-mobile stand stops me and offers me a job. so i fill out the app. and talk to a manager. i looked like shit today. but whatever he said i will make atleast like 1,000 every 2 weeks. so if i get it i get it. its not like i need a new job. and now its storming really bad and theres a huge fire some where. i can see the nasty pollution its causing and smell the nastiness. it gave me a huge headache. anyways.... im gonna go and watch the money pit. Current Location: college club Current Mood: cranky Current Music: The Money Pit

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July 15th, 2006

02:26 am - tradgedy is an odd thing "Later that day i got to thinking about relationships." I feel that quote, from Sex and the City of course, really describes my day today. To loose someone in your life really makes you contemplate your own exsistance. As if loosing my job wasnt upsetting enough, i had to loose a friend too. realizing how different all of our lives would be without him in it really made his death all that much more realistic. i mean it hit me right away. i literally sat on my floor for almost 2 hours today and just cried. i probably looked pathetic laying on my floor in my wayy too big bathrobe, with wet, unbrushed hair, crying. i feel like my brain just doesnt processing these things properly. like i just cant stop thinking that hes not gone. that in the fall, in accounting 2, he'll be sitting next to me again just like in accounting 1. i feel like thats his seat and it should stay empty. and what if his name gets called when concrecode calls role? what am i supposed to say? do i say anything? but it would hurt so much for her to sit there, unknowingly, calling his name. in these last few years he has touched so many peoples lives. from everyone who has onced partied in H-11 to the people he rode wakeboards with to people hes taken classes with. michigan mike was an all around wonderful guy. a great friend, roomate, and haha yes even a late night hookup to some. i mean honestly, my life would have been soo different if he simply wasnt in my comp 1 class fall semester, freshmen year. he and alex met there, and started hanging out. then a couple weeks later those 2 "damn jewish kids" moved into his apt and how pissed he was. well eventually they all drank together and those 2 "damn jewish kids" turned out to be Timmy and Brock. i can't think of how all 4 of there lives would be without each other. im sure that everyone that i know has had atleast 1 insanely drunken experience in H-11. there are so many memories in that apt. from cleaning up the green mess on st patties day to smoking the hookah for hours and the keg bar stools and the beer pong and pictures pulling rape cords, and the drum set and guitar, and how dirty there bathrooms were and that there was always a fight for toilet paper. really, the most ironic thing to me is that his favorite thing in the world happened to be the thing that killed him. he literally spend his life on a boat. he loved to wakeboard and he was a life gaurd and a dock master. fuck, they even attempted to wakeboard on the back of blakes truck one day thru the puddles. timmy got fucked the hell up but it just shows his love for wakeboarding. but then again to but it in a positive twist, the last thing he did on this earth was his favorite thing to do. he died happy and hopefully not in any pain. well atleast we all have another angel looking over us and watching our backs. he really is in a better place now. i know as a catholic that i shouldnt believe in reincarnation but dieing so young there has got to be stuff that he was supposed to do. so, im just gonna keep my eyes open and keep a look out for him. he'll be back, beer in hand, wearing some board shorts with his bleach blonde hair and big ass smile. well Mike McNash, better known as Michigan Mike but to me you will always be Farley, you will be missed greatly and are loved more then you could ever imagine. ♥ may angels lead you in ♥ Current Location: my apt. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: hear you me- jimmy eat world

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July 14th, 2006

04:07 am - should we simply tolerate things? or maybe we should just push away what we feel like we simply tolerate. i dunno, i guess i just feel obligated to hold on to certain people. dont get me wrong i love all of my friends with all of my heart and i have never had a better group of friends in my entire life. i can do or say anything to them and know they will still love me just the same. yes, they make fun of me hardcore for all the stupid shit i do and say and the predicaments that i get myself into. For instance, i got myself fired from my job on monday. i mean granted, its a retarded reason to be fired but its really not something i would fight, nor do i want to. if i was fired from somewhere it would be far to embarrassing to fight for my job back. and if i did get it back i couldnt go back and work there knowing that everything i do is being looked at and examined with a microscope and picked thru with a fine toothed comb. its just not an environment that i would be happy in. so, therefore, im on a hunt for a new job. which we all know is the worst thing in the world. the pain in the ass of filling out applications and writing the same info like a million times sucks but whats just as bad is the hounding of my parentals that i need a job, pronto. i really would love a break right now so that when the semester starts i'll be fresh and not so burnt out. ive had a steady job since august and before that i had like a 2 week break and worked like crazy all of last summer. this is just crappy. i have the rest of my life to work my ass off. i would actually like some time to do stuff that i enjoy and not feel stressed all of the time to manage my time between work and school. really thats not fun at all. i kno i kno im not the only person in the world to work and go to school but im exhausted. not so much physically bc we all know i sleep until the mid afternoon, but mentally. i have so much on my mind and i just dont have an outlet that relieves my stress. im always in stressfull situations. my only outlet was shopping and now even that is stressful bc i spend money that i certainly do not have to spend. sometimes i regret buying a new car and wish i still just drove the tank. but i do love my car even though i always whine about getting a new one. its just i dont have the ammentities that i would like. and i figure, well i already have a car payment why not just get a new car and pay a little bit more each month. i think it would be worth it but i dunno its just a tricky situation. i honestly can't wait for school to start back up so i get my financial aid crap. thats like a few grand for me to play with. yes i have to save it so i dont go broke again and have to have mommy and daddy bail me out but atleast i can spend a couple hundred on clothes and shoes and school supplies and shit. well actually i decided last night that i want to get an exhaust put on my car so that will go towards that as well. but just having that money to go shop and spend will feel great. i love to shop. its soooo relaxing. really i dont care what im shopping for. it could be for clothes for myself or anyone else. or even just grocery shopping is tranquil. it may just be the motion of pushing the car up and down the isles as my feet shuffle along or it could be the feeling of getting a great deal! but i just enjoy shopping. i like to have new stuff and allow it to enhance my life that much more. i know that i talk a lot about wanting kids but one of the biggest reasons that i want one right now is that it gives me an extra person to buy crap for. i think having a boyfriend would really cause me to go broke bc id buy his ass stupid shit all of the time. i guess i just need a rich boy so i can spend his money on shit for him and not waste all of mine. i honestly hate money tho and i sometimes wish i could live in a communist country so i dont have to worry about money. whoever created the idea of upper class and poor people was fucked up. honestly i think every career should pay the same amount of money so that everyone can just do what they love and not what they will make the most money doing. i think we as the human race would be a million times happier that way. things that are neccessaties would be provided to us by our faultless government and you decide what you would like to spend your earnings on so that we all have what we need and want. there would be no bums or multimillionaires. we would all be equal and a true classless society. our "cliques" wouldnt be based on money but solely on common interest and enjoying each others company. having fun wouldnt be restricted on when we got paid bc we all know we go broke those last few days before we get paid. but if we all made enough to live happily we wouldnt ever be broke bc we would spend our money on stuff we wanted bc stuff we needed would just be handed to us. honestly tho if everyone put all of their money into 1 bank account and it was divided evenly btwn everyone 18 years of age and older we would all have the same amount and would be well off. the people with nothing would be more then made up for by the people with too much too imagine the value of. i dunno where this all came from. loosing my job really has effected me a lot more then everyone thinks. i loved my job, even tho i bitched and moaned and groned about it, i truly loved it there. it was the first job since i left old navy the first time that i loved everyone that i worked with. i looked forward to socializing with everyone customers and employees both. im gonna miss all of my customer and i really hope they all miss me too. i know my csr's are going to bc theyve already told me but the customers may not notice me gone. i dunno i guess this is enough of my randomness. its just keeping me from bursting into tears bc i can't type if im crying. but i think im def gonna go home, most likely tomorrow. i need a break. im just scared that if i go home im gonna get harrassed about finding a job the whole weekend and i really wont get to relax and be stress free as i would like to be. maybe my mom will feel sorry for me and just let me be for a couple days to kind of find myself again and the strength and motavation i need to really get on this new job problem. i just am getting really homesick lately. i havent been home for more then a few days at a time since last summer. its really quite sad. i miss my family and my dogs. im really tempted right now to just move home and get my job back at old navy and start at FAU in the fall. but i can't do that. id feel like a failure. like i couldnt survive away from my parents but really i can but ive just given up my hope lately. Current Location: college club Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: panic!- better as you do

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July 10th, 2006

05:39 am ive had a very entertaining past few days. well with two of my friends that i hang out with like everyday turning 21 it was very eventful. i really hate that i wont be 21 for another year and a half. i mean im not the club goer really but it would be nice to have the option. bars i can do. they seem like my kind of place. well the ones i have been to have been fun so being 21 will just enhance the experience that much more. but ive come to the realization that there might be something wrong with me. i seem to not be capable of starting a relationship even tho right now that is what i want more then anything else in this world. i cant find that perfect medium between being the "little sister" and the late night hookup. even anywhere between those would make me happy right now even if it isnt the perfect medium of a fulfilling relationship. i feel like i had become so close to what i wanted and i couldnt have it. well really i did for a little while but the damn air force ripped it out of my hands. and i was truly in my heart expecting a letter that has not come yet and it has been just about a month. but i still have that slight sense of hope that the zip code was wrong since we all know fort myers has about 12 different zips. and everytime i get the adrenaline rush of going to check my mail i also get the extreme let down of an empty box. i seem to have brought myself quite a few let downs these past few months. i guess i just get my hopes up to quickly and the higher they get the harder and faster they fall. i wish i had a cushion of some sort to fall back on though. ya kno that person that when something new falls through you have the old flame to call up just to make me feel better and to fill the void in my heart and space in my bed. leanne womack sang it best with her song i may hate myself in the morning but im gonna love you tonight. well now that ive depressed myself some more by actually writing down and making it true what ive been thinking its time for me to go to sleep. ps- there are 2 empty bedrooms in my apt at college club i would like some cool roommates rather then the one i was stuck with that would rather hook up with her bf in the common areas like the dining room floor then in her room just 10 short feet away! Current Location: my empty bed Current Mood: sad Current Music: dear jamie....hellogoodbye

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June 10th, 2006

03:22 am - shitty shit shit um so yeah, i probably had one of the shittiest days in history...and well i thought it got better until i made a dumb decision to call someone i probably shouldnt have called. now i know hes leaving on monday so i figured well whats calling him 1 more time gonna hurt, maybe hes here and i'll get to see him b4 he leaves for hum basically 6 years so i basically mentally prepared myself to know that im never seeing him again. well someone else happens to answer his phone. and ya kno he seems cool and all apparently he lives here and hes just visiting port charlotte. well then i get a random call from a witheld number so i answer and all i hear is random yelling and laughing so i hang up. well a few minutes later i get another random call and i have some girl ask me how old i am. well as we all know i sound quite young but really im 19. so she continues to tell me shes this persons girlfriend and shes all done with him that i can have him now. o ok...right. so yeah he'll be here in an hour. so basically ive either been wrapped up in an asshole whos talking shit now and telling people im a slut or hes not there and they are just fucking with me bc i happened to call. i didnt hear his voice at all and when i had called him earlier his friend told me that he wasnt there and that he had left his phone. which is normal bc he has a tendency to not carry his phone on him. so i dunno whether to be fucking pist off or just take it as it is that all guys truly are douche bags and i need to just become a nun or get artifically inseminated. Current Location: my apt Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: them damn chicks chirping

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June 2nd, 2006

11:52 am - confused i just always seem to meet either the wrong guys or the right guys at the wrong time. im very torn right now as to what i should be thinking....i wish life wasn't so hard and things just came easily to me. but that just doesnt seem to be happening....i guess i should just take it as im happy now and just leave it at that i suppose. i know that the time is very soon that im gonna be sad but im just glad that i have friends that no matter how much theyve warned me to not get attached they will be there for me when hes gone.... Current Mood: tired, happy and confused Current Music: parental control

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May 22nd, 2006

02:01 am - numb why do people have to be soo damn confusing?!? they say they want something and then when you point out that its already there in front of them. they have nothing to say. Current Location: my room Current Mood: confused Current Music: what hurts the most- rascall flatts

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May 9th, 2006

04:15 am - hot tub convos are always the best so as we're discussing the gorgeous firefight i fell in love with today while at the car wash.... me: ya kno my brain just starts turning and thinking stef: you are gonna get you're little heart broken like a million times me: well my biological clock is ticking n i need to start planning stef: wtf your 20 years old me: well no im 19 brenna: 19 and a 1/2 and you're biological clock is ticking? me: well ive got like 2 months b4 19 1/2 stef: holy shit youve got plenty of time for your biological clock me: well i can't help that brain of mine them wheels start turning and theres no stopping them.... hah im such a dumbass! but my brain just takes an idea and runs as far as it can with it. yum firefighter....that uniform! Current Location: my new casa Current Mood: tired and anxious Current Music: carrie underwood- Dont forget to remember me

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April 29th, 2006

05:54 am - and yet again... why do i always end up in tears? but then go back and get hurt again? i hate that i let shit like this get to me but i cant help but having a heart... i just wish i could find somebody that truly wants what i want and doesnt just feed me lines telling me what i want to hear. but what if they arent lines? and i ignore a guy that is being sincere? how can i tell the difference? i feel like my heart can't handle another dissappointment. ive put it thru wayy more then i should...i mean come on, albert? wtf was i really thinking? and letting my self get that broken up about it??? i mean granted the whole story was completly fucked up and i completly put up with it. i guess like i was told i let people disrespect me bc i dont say anything but i dont want to be like known as some super bitch whos rude to people. whatever i just dont know what to do.... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: what hurts the most- Rascall Flatts

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April 15th, 2006

11:27 pm - time leads to thoughts thoughts of paranoia and guilt but whatever... Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Leanne Womack- I may hate myself in the Morning

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March 20th, 2006

02:10 am - almost hopeless i had a roller coaster of a weekend. literally full of ups and downs. let it be the ups of being drunk and ecstatic or the ups of feeling appreciated. or the downs of sobriety and exhaustion and inevetably rejection it was eventfull. i dont know how or honestly why me but i always end up with the shit end of the stick. and its wierd bc i dont even know if what im thinking is true but it sure fits and feels right. i really dont want to type the whole story bc its long and everytime i think about it or tell someone i think of something else that could have been negative that i over looked. i really do think way wayy too much. its a horrible habit. for some reason i always manage to have something consuming my every thought. and its just so wierd to me bc i really felt like it was fate. and i know i sound like a fucking pyscho path but in myheart i really do believe that everything happens for a reason. i mean seriously there are 3 blockbusters all in the area and the one he came to is the farthest from his apt. and i knew he lived somewhere in coastal from his skidmore way adress but come on, across the hall from the apt im at most while at coastal?? ive been there only god knows how many times and have never saw even a glimpse of him, why thursday all of a sudden did i see him?? and why thursday did my balls grow as big as my brain and give me the courage to actually do what i did. sooo out of character for me and anyone who slightly knows me, knows that. i feel like im a crazy, needy dependent typical bimbo. but really im not. ive been independent for so long. why now is it a boy that makes me giddy and makes me feel like the whole world really isnt that fucked up? i really do love what i did to his blockbuster account bc there is no way that if he goes to another blockbuster and they have to calll my store to take a hold off that hes not going to think i had something to do with it. unless hes really that dumb. which would be super sad. but he didnt seem to be that dumb at all. but ive really got to learn that most things are not really what they seem. bc he def didnt seem like he would be an asshole. but still he could be everything he seemed to be it just kills me having absolutly no idea. but thats what i get for not knowing him like at all....but whatever im in college and it happens....but for some reason this time i feel like i should hold on a little bit longer. atleast until our paths happen to faithfully cross once again and maybe this time it will stay meant to be. but im mentally ready for a complete let down and go back to my shell and never ever do something to put my self in this type of situation ever again. i need to learn a lot more from mistakes i make. i need to grow up a little more and perhaps this will be that boost i need to mature me that much more. its dumb bc i can say all of this shit and know what i should do but i most likely won't. people always say you should take the advice you're so willing to give. but i dont know if i can take this advice. but even when i think about it, its not really all that bad. i had a good time. and the only negative that came from it was way afterward. and all the negatvity has come straight from my warped synical mind. but this dark cold world has made my mind this way. bc there is still some of my loving nature left in my heart and my brain to think positive and that im not crazy and there was a spark. but honestly i love marisa and billy right now. esp since marisa told me that she did the same thing that i did the first time she was with billy. and there together now and very happy. so they are the light at the end of this tunnel for me. if i ever find the end, that light is where i would like to be. i really think im ready for that right now. im settled and stable in my own life and i think im ready to let someone else in. just as soon as i find that someone else... Current Mood: dissappointed and confused Current Music: Teddy Gieger- For you i will

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February 20th, 2006

06:17 pm - class class class so i'm sitting in my professional writing class bored out of my mind. there is only so much time i can occupy in here. so far an hour and a half. im in a horrible mood bc i hate being woken up from my naps. and we are supposed to do this group project with a group of 4 and my group seems to have broken up to just me remaining! Sweet!! i get to do a 10pg paper, a big presentation and open an entire business all on my own!! whoo who lucky lucky me...well im going to target after class bc ive been working so much that i havent even had time to go to my sanctuary... Current Mood: tired, bored, frustrated Current Music: My dumb teacher Yacking and the door opening and closing

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February 13th, 2006

08:05 pm im in a horrible mood today. my professional writing class blows the big one. i was in joann and went to pay and realized my debit card is missing, again! so now i have to call and cancel it for the second time in like 2 weeks. they are going to think i am a fucking retard, which i am. i cant keep track of anything, or remember anything. its just one of those days where the stupidest thing could make me hysterical. and i wanted to go out to eat since i actually have money and nobody is around to go with... Current Mood: pissed the fuck off Current Music: the stupid dishwasher

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February 11th, 2006

02:44 am - patiently waiting... Watching Little Black Book just gave me a whole new aspiration of hope. Everything will work out in the end, and if everything isn't worked out, then it isn't the end. I've heard that saying lots and lots of times before but for some reason that movie just made me believe it a whole lot more. I feel like every story has a happy ending. Even if the whole story is just so messed up and horribly sad, the ending is bound to be happy. So now I have to just wait for my happy ending. I've seemed to convince myself that finding love will equal my happiness but I'm really starting to realize that if that's what I feel like I need to be happy, then I never will be. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Somewhere out there, in this amazing world we live in, is my happiness and by god I will find it. Another thing this movie made me remember is why I watch girly movies. This world we live in is fucked up enough, why do we watch movies that only show how much more fucked up life could be?? Why not watch movies that bring back your faith and hope that someday, when you feel like your whole little universe is crumpled up at your feet, everything will work out, and everything does happen for a reason, and God hasn't turned his back to you he just merely turned his shoulder a little bit to show you that you are strong enough to deal with what he throws at you? Destiny and Fate are very much real and I'm just simply hoping that my fate is what my dreams and hopes aspire for it to be....but for right now I'm going to just try to start living in the moment and stop dwelling on the past or planning for the future. As John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I'm not going to miss life anymore, so I need to learn to stop planning and just go with whatever crosses my path... Current Mood: inspired Current Music: Ending Credits to Little Black Book

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